1,2, breathe..

       There is a moment in your life when you have to face your fears so you

can get to that peaceful place in  your life. It may be scary at first because 

you do not want to go back to that traumatic past that had claimed your 

innocence...your childhood. It did not hit until yesterday (for me); it was 

while I was talking to my counselor about the issues I had dealt as a child-

dealing with abuse at home, peers & bullies at school and the struggles of 

my faith. To those who had a normal childhood: You need to understand 

the fact that even though, it has been nineteen years since that person who 

had happened to be my step father(the man whom mother decided to marry 

while he was in prison) was locked up and then had to deal 

with the attack from my own sister in 2008. Survivors and victim (such as 

myself) had to still deal with the flashbacks, the anger, the resentment, and 

trust. It is really hard to trust people after the aftermath is over but will try to 

find love as I had become an adult-some in the right and wrong places.

        Not to mention, the abuse from people who I was looking up to as family but 

then I was desperately looking for love in all the wrong places. Wanted to be 

loved so bad..it was so bad I was looking for that "unavailable" love. Basically,

it is that love that you did not receive from home but also in "so called " relationships.

I thought I was being loved by these guys who had said they love me but they was not

available emotionally and mentally which lead them to use me. I have to say: It really 

hurt so bad when you thought you were with the right person even after you had told 

these people the trials you had experienced while growing up. There were even moments

when I had remember what my own sister had said to me while flaunting in my face how 

many guys had paid any attention to her , "Who will want you? No one want you, you just an 

anti-social."

        The reason for thee blogs was to educate the public and let those who had been victimized

that there is LIFE after abuse. Believe me with my faith in Jehovah God (his name is proven in psalms 83:18-check it out in your bible or look it up), it had lead me to a more

peaceful life without those toxic people- those who had faked their apologies but then retract back 

to their negative attitude. It is better for me to love these people (my mother and sister) from a distance. 

These are the same people that had threw back in my face about the childhood abuse it had inflicted on me 

and was using favoritism-basically oust me out like I was the black sheep of the family. (That is another story in itself) When people tend to think, " Why don't you "get over" it?" FYI: It takes some time you need 

to understand that even though (for me) its nineteen years and I still dealing with the anger and flashbacks

from being mistreated including being misunderstood as a person. That it is why it is so much better for 

victims like myself to start writing, talk to a therapist/counselors and continue to encourage others to SPEAK UP.It takes prayer & faith to continue on living a normal life including having hope for the future that 

all this will be a thing in the past. It just takes faith. 

          Anyways, until next time....